I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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