My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
