Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
