She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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