Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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