I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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