i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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