It was confusing and full of hummus
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
