after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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