This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
