dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
