thus making me awesome and them whores
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
