She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
