I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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