I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You did what with his pubic hair?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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