How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
