I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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