1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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