Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
