did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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