I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
