my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
