he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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