We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
