i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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