I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm gonna have a badass scar
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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