She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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