Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
