I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
