I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
