Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
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