i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
