why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
