so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
