The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
