I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
