I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
