i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
