false alarm. still invincible.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
