When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
