I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
