If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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