I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Bring me that man meat
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
