Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
