he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
