you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
