And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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