There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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