I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
