dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
