Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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