i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
