Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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