My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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