shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
