There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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