the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
