as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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