The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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