We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
