I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
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i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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