The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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